Michael Bay: If it exists, it can explode.

Transformers 2 is the 'big movie' these days, so I thought it was high time to give a shout out to the man, the myth, the Bay. You've seen his movies, but you can't remember a single character from any of them.

But who can forget the time he sent astronauts to drill a hole in a doomday asteroid to sink an A-bomb into it and save mankind? I remember it, and I wish I didn't. Here's looking at you, Michael Bay.

• Your movies average 26 explosions per hour--almost one every two minutes.
• Your movies always talk about and hint at sex, but stop short enough to maintain your PG-13 rating, so that you can convince half of America to see every reel you crank out.
• Your movies always try to tug at my heart strings, but are a mile from succeeding (see the tragic 'romances' in Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, and Bad Boys 2).
• Your movies are too, too long. Bad Boys 2 needed about 3 fewer climactic actions scenes, I fell asleep during the 'climax' of Transformers, and I am passing on Transformers 2... which weighs in at TWO AND HALF HOURS.

Based on a 22-minute cartoon and you need 150 minutes to get your point across? Remember, Mike, brevity is the soul of wit.


But then, maybe I am misunderstanding your intentions. I perceive that 'wit' may be your third or fourth objective, behind "filming explosions exploding and hot chicks."

Alas, poor Yorick... I knew him, until Will Smith shot him 16 times whilst jumping through the air, only for Yorick to flail bloodied onto a nearby landmine and explode (twice!!) while Shia LeBeouf French kisses Megan Fox in the background, and two F/A-18's streak overhead. Poor, poor Yorick...

Here is the real dagger: The original Transformers movie (the cartoon one, from the eighties) killed off the hero in the first 8 minutes (THAT'S how you push a story forward), starred Orson Welles (true!) and still managed to wrap itself up in about an hour. People in their thirties are still traumatized by Optimus Prime's death in the cartoon, while Bay's forgettable Transformers movies leave us--er, 'briefly sleepy yet irritated.'

Do you hear me, Bay? While your movies feature giant war-machines from a technoligically-advanced planet punching(?!) the crap out of each other as the finale, the cartoon version had Orson Welles as a freaking planet that eats other planets. That's bigger than anything you've ever done, and the story was more economical to boot. Also jumping onboard this banner project were Eric Idle, Leonard Nimoy, Robert Stack, Clive Revill (the original Emperor in Star Wars) and Casey Kasem. Booyah!



You are doing something right when Orson wants in on your cartoon.

Wikipedia says that Welles' Unicron is "neither Autobot nor Decepticon, [...] a prodigiously large robot whose scale reaches planetary proportions, and he is also able to transform into a mechanical planet. He travels the galaxy, seeking worlds to consume for nourishment."

He is big enough to EAT the combined pain-soaked mess of all 10 hours of your Bad Boys and Transformers franchises. Come, O Unicron... and consume Michael Bay.

Check out this video from Robot Chicken to see what Bay is all about.