So this weekend I saw Conan: The Barbarian for the first time ever (sue me) start to finish.
Darth Vader had long hair under the helmet!?
3. Less is more: For a movie with a voiceover narration, Conan TB is remarkably low on exposition. Maybe it was Thulsa Doom's hypnotic gaze, but I have to admit--I did not know what in Crom's name was going on most of the time.
James Earl Jones turns into a snake while watching an orgy, but then he just leaves. Conan never fights Snake Jones?! Well, I guess he already killed one huge snake. When people decide to become Doom's followers, they become a herd of suicidal lemmings. I know life in Cimmeria (or Atlantis, or wherever they are at that point--the movie does not offer a lot of geographical help) sucks, but could you really market a huge cult by offering all your followers death as their signing bonus? Dialogue also comes at a premium: Each main character has about a dozen lines, it seems. That's okay though; it reminded me of my favorite Spaghetti Westerns in this way... long silences and wide landscapes.
4. Black Sun cult: This was genius--The cult Conan is trying to find is known for an 
emblem depicting two snakes facing each other. This is plausible cause for Arnold to roam the land, throwing up a monstrous double-front-bicep pose and asking, "Have you seen dare bannah, weet two big snakes--like theez?!?"
"Both of the big snakes togethah look like theez..."
5. Sequel: Arnold apparently takes on Wilt Chamberlain and Andre the Giant. This reminds me a LOT of Rocky III (Rocky vs Hulk Hogan vs Mister T).
"The snakes were about thees tall..."
