Conan: First Impressions

So this weekend I saw Conan: The Barbarian for the first time ever (sue me) start to finish.

Impressions:

1. The Governator captures the physique, innuendo, and intellect of a barbarian with ease (snap!)

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"Dah first big snake looks like thees..."

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2. James Earl Jones is creepy as hell as Thulsa Doom. That dead stare, those weird lines, the awkward straight hair with tiny bangs...

Darth Vader had long hair under the helmet!?

3. Less is more: For a movie with a voiceover narration, Conan TB is remarkably low on exposition. Maybe it was Thulsa Doom's hypnotic gaze, but I have to admit--I did not know what in Crom's name was going on most of the time.

James Earl Jones turns into a snake while watching an orgy, but then he just leaves. Conan never fights Snake Jones?! Well, I guess he already killed one huge snake. When people decide to become Doom's followers, they become a herd of suicidal lemmings. I know life in Cimmeria (or Atlantis, or wherever they are at that point--the movie does not offer a lot of geographical help) sucks, but could you really market a huge cult by offering all your followers death as their signing bonus? Dialogue also comes at a premium: Each main character has about a dozen lines, it seems. That's okay though; it reminded me of my favorite Spaghetti Westerns in this way... long silences and wide landscapes.

4. Black Sun cult: This was genius--The cult Conan is trying to find is known for an emblem depicting two snakes facing each other. This is plausible cause for Arnold to roam the land, throwing up a monstrous double-front-bicep pose and asking, "Have you seen dare bannah, weet two big snakes--like theez?!?"

"Both of the big snakes togethah look like theez..."

5. Sequel: Arnold apparently takes on Wilt Chamberlain and Andre the Giant. This reminds me a LOT of Rocky III (Rocky vs Hulk Hogan vs Mister T).

"The snakes were about thees tall..."