Conan: First Impressions

So this weekend I saw Conan: The Barbarian for the first time ever (sue me) start to finish.

Impressions:

1. The Governator captures the physique, innuendo, and intellect of a barbarian with ease (snap!)

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"Dah first big snake looks like thees..."

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2. James Earl Jones is creepy as hell as Thulsa Doom. That dead stare, those weird lines, the awkward straight hair with tiny bangs...

Darth Vader had long hair under the helmet!?

3. Less is more: For a movie with a voiceover narration, Conan TB is remarkably low on exposition. Maybe it was Thulsa Doom's hypnotic gaze, but I have to admit--I did not know what in Crom's name was going on most of the time.

James Earl Jones turns into a snake while watching an orgy, but then he just leaves. Conan never fights Snake Jones?! Well, I guess he already killed one huge snake. When people decide to become Doom's followers, they become a herd of suicidal lemmings. I know life in Cimmeria (or Atlantis, or wherever they are at that point--the movie does not offer a lot of geographical help) sucks, but could you really market a huge cult by offering all your followers death as their signing bonus? Dialogue also comes at a premium: Each main character has about a dozen lines, it seems. That's okay though; it reminded me of my favorite Spaghetti Westerns in this way... long silences and wide landscapes.

4. Black Sun cult: This was genius--The cult Conan is trying to find is known for an emblem depicting two snakes facing each other. This is plausible cause for Arnold to roam the land, throwing up a monstrous double-front-bicep pose and asking, "Have you seen dare bannah, weet two big snakes--like theez?!?"

"Both of the big snakes togethah look like theez..."

5. Sequel: Arnold apparently takes on Wilt Chamberlain and Andre the Giant. This reminds me a LOT of Rocky III (Rocky vs Hulk Hogan vs Mister T).

"The snakes were about thees tall..."

Most Underrated Movie: The Shadow

Why this movie didn't make a bigger splash is beyond me.

For the uninitiated, The Shadow is the dark mysterious hero of 1930's radio serials, subsequently followed by every other sort of media including this movie in the 90's. The Shadow is the inspiration behind Batman, and probably every other popular hero that isn't a boyscout like Superman.

Here's the point I want to make about this movie: All of the individual parts work, and the whole thing works together as well. I can't figure why it wasn't better received, except guesses relating to shoddy marketing and PG-13 approach (it's decidedly more fun old-Star Wars than gritty-1989-Batman).

So let's start with the pieces:

My favorite thing about this movie is the soundtrack. Jerry Goldsmith's score is the perfect blend of haunting and exciting. I listen to it in my car... it's both memorable and enjoyable, and fits the film. Good luck finding it on iTunes though... you're going to have a find a used CD on eBay or Amazon like I did. (PS: Likewise the movie is relegated to an extremely-crappy 1:33-1 aspect ratio single disc DVD option--shenanigans)

The Force! This movie hits all the best good and evil, anger versus self-control themes that The Force did in the good old Star Wars movies (before the cheesy midichlorian-science era... shudder). This was just the right take on the Shadow's supernatural ability to "cloud mens' minds."

Alec Baldwin is tough, suave, and funny as the Shadow. Everyone's excited about him these days, but a lot of the same humor you see on 30 Rock is glimpsed in the Shadow. I am given to quoting his conversations with Margot and Shiwan Khan.

• Tim Curry plays a good slimeball


• John Lone does a great job as a modern day Mongol warlord


• Penelope Ann Miller is a solid 1940's dame


• Ian McKellen (Gandalf) plays a scatterbrained scientist


• The Shadow's Alfred-the-Butler is Moe, a helpful cab driver played by Peter Boyle (Everybody Loves Raymond's dad)


• Jonathan Winters is both the Shadow's dad and the NYPD Chief

This is a Black Hawk Down approach to casting. There are one or two truly big names there, and then almost a dozen other likable B-Listers in there.

The production on this film is solid, with a few great set pieces, sensible CG usage, a nice overall retro feel (late 30's, I think). The dialogue always makes me smile and everything else (story, pacing, etc.) is good.

This isn't an Oscar movie (except for maybe the soundtrack? Lion King won that year)... But it's a dang good movie! Worth watching if you haven't seen it.

Liam Neeson: Born to lose

Born to lose, I've lived my life in vain

Every dream has only brought me pain

All my life, I've always been so blue

Born to lose, and now I'm losing you

--Johnny Cash

Taken reminded me that it's time to post about Hollywood's greatest... um, "die-er," Liam Neeson.

Neeson has made a career out of dying on screen; more specifically, he seems to own the niche for mentor-like characters who die. Let's see.

Gangs of New York - "We need someone to play DiCaprio's virtuous priestly dad. This guy is on screen for 90 seconds before Daniel Day-Lewis whacks him. Neeson, anyone?"

Star Wars I - "We need a Jedi mentor for the young Darth Vader. Let's shoot his death scene first, so that when he realizes how terrible this movie is, he'll stick around anyway ...since he knows the pain is only temporarily."

Kingdom of Heaven - When I didn't see Neeson in the commercial for this movie, but he showed up as hero-in-the-making Balian's dad early on, I knew there was only one possible outcome: Neeson must die.

Batman Begins - His mentor-character only gets knocked out, but the evil character he actually IS gets killed and then returns as Neeson--who also dies! That doesn't make sense. See this movie.

Lincoln (due out in 2011) - Who should play a tall guy who dies? NEESON! The producers quickly signed Neeson to star. Even though he's a big Irish guy, his grip on the dying-mentor role is so firm that he even owns American presidential roles.

Love Actually - His movie wife dies just before the movie starts. The Grim Reaper clearly missed his target. Neeson is still mentor to a young romantic.

"Let's see... I'm the bigger star, but I'm not in the trailer... Quick, I bequeath my beard and cloak to Jim Caviezel!"

The Mission - Fielding, a priest and role-model to the masses, is killed in the conclusion.

Darkman - Neeson does one of those "horrifically scarred, life destroyed, I consider myself 'dead' but live as a phantasm haunting the enemies of the life I once lived" things.


When Irish Eyes are Crying - Neeson plays an IRA terrorist in the opening episode of Miami Vice Season 3. I have not seen this. BUT: When someone's in only one episode and they play a 'terrorist,' the odds are good that they die. Based on the patterns we see, it is probable that Neeson mentors another young terrorist before dying, too.

Neeson narrowly dodges becoming the first guest star to die on Sesame Street, after mentoring happy-go-lucky puppets.

Last but not least...

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe - Brian Cox (original Hannibal Lecter, badass villain of X-Men 2) was originally cast as Aslan. When he bowed out due to scheduling problems, producers were faced with a decision: Who should play Aslan, the Christ-figure who guides the movie's young heroes before dying sacrificially for Edmund?

Fortunately, they didn't have to think long before someone said, "Hey, why didn't we get Neeson in the first place?" But Neeson has the last laugh here: Ah ha! As a Christ-figure, Aslan returns from the grave after only a brief stay, and is death-proof from here on out! Neeson's agent finally found the ultimate sacrificially-dying-good-guy-who-comes-back role... the only question is, how did Neeson not get cast in The Passion?

Just saw "Taken"...

... and it wasn't half bad!


On the downside, it was pretty formulaic. If you saw the trailer, nothing will surprise you. Also, a sub-plot involving a Beyonce/Christina Aguilera knock-off... seriously? Finally, former Bond-girl Famke settles in as Liam Neeson's ex- in a role termed "thankless" by no fewer than 4 reviews I've read. That's what she gets for atomizing her boyfriend and turning evil mutant!



On the upside, Liam Neeson makes the movie respectable. He does a good job portraying a spy-slash-angry-daddy, and is old enough to explain his treasure trove of spy know-how. (Did you ever wonder how Jason Bourne spoke 10 languages, was trained in 5 martial arts, and knew every back-allley in Paris by the time he was twenty-three? Me too.) When he runs into evil Albanians in Paris, Neeson has to pick up a store-bought Albanian dictionary to figure out what's going on. Loved it!

This is not an A movie, but it's decent fun, and wins three bonus awards:

The ECONOMY award: Tons of commercials these days start off something like, "In these tough times, you need a hamburger that will ... " Taken is economic. Why does a B-movie have to be two and a half hours long? Answer: It shouldn't! Taken has a basic plot, but it respects the viewer by finishing the basic plot in a reasonable 90 minutes. Thank God I didn't see Watchmen, I'd have been there half my day off.

The INSPIRATION award: My friend Blake and I left the theater determined to learn Neeson's one-hit carotid-chop ninja technique. Good times.

The SURPISE ENDING award: What? Liam Neeson didn't die? Liam Neeson dies in most of his movies! Not this one. This isn't shot or delivered in a surprising way, I just expect him to die when I get to the theater.

Things to Come:

I am building momentum for someday years from now when I will post a Gilgamesh-like-epic-572-part series on how much I hate the Star Wars "prequels" and how they killed my childhood.

In the meantime, here is something nobody should, buy, but someone out there is buying anyway. Got $140 to spare, with an itch to have a dastardly fictional French archaeologist eyeing you from your bookshelf, anyone??

Over/Under #1

In these occasional features I will briefly assess two movies: One underrated, one overrated.

OVER: Batman Forever

Most folks liked Tim Burton's 1989 Batman, and about half of those folks liked his follow-up, Batman Returns. However, I can't get my mind around how anyone stuck around for the third installment, Joel Shumacher's regretable Batman Forever.

Supposedly a lot of film was left on the cutting room floor, which is why the audience gets a severely underdeveloped "Batman Forever" theme: Batman reconciling that he can be both Bruce Wayne AND Batman 'forever,' as he makes peace with his memories. You have to look pretty hard to find this in the movie though, so the 'Forever' mostly feels like fair warning that you'll feel like you're engaged in Chinese water-torture while you watch.

Val Kilmer was downright wooden as Batman, Nicole Kidman was a brainless hormonal bimbo as a "Doctor," and worst of all, the villains were truly wasted. Tommy Lee Jones could've provided a compelling Two-Face, but instead he plays a nutcase with a handgun, some hired goons, and bad fashion sense. Jim Carrey was near the height of his popularity at this time, but turns in only a slightly effeminate pink-haired Riddler--whose riddles all link together to reveal his alter-ego's true name, which never matters anyway.

Top it all off with whipped cream (fluffy dialogue, oddly fantastic and un-violent action, and an obsession with bright colors) and a cherry on top (Chris O'Donnell as a thirty-year-old Robin with nipples on his costume), and you have a poop-sundae.

Somehow this movie made a lot of money, and was decently-reviewed at the time. Since then, numerous fan reviews have pulled the Critic's Score on Rotten Tomatoes down from an extremely generous score of near 70%. It is now holding steady a more-fitting (though still generous, IMHO!) 44%. There is hope for our planet after all, it seems, but that doesn't mean this movie isn't overrated.

UNDER:

Rocky Balboa! Rocky got 10 Oscar nods and came home with 3 golden statues, including Best Picture. Its popularity then spawned 4 sequels of questionable merit, and the series traded its roots to spiral into full-blown Cold War hysterics as Rocky ended communism. My wife and ESPN's Bill Simmons insist that Rocky V is so bad that it does not exist.

Rocky Balboa (a.k.a. Rocky 6) brings Stallone back to the slums of Philly, and back to being a complete human character instead of just a fighting dynamo. The best part of this movie is that it makes you love Rocky Balboa again. He's a selfless dummy with an enormous heart who never quits trying to help his neighbors. He's the Italian Samaritan! It was a good decision to let Adrian go (she'd become a broken record of discouragement long ago), and Milo Ventimiglia turned in a strong effort as Rocky's semi-estranged son.

Overall, it provided satisfying closure to a movie series that has spanned the better part of most of our lives. That deserves kudos, as does the movie's necessary self-awareness due to its outlandish premise.

True, it is currently garnering a 76% approval rating on RT, but that's not praise enough for the second-best in a 6-movie series that made over $1 billion dollars and collected 11 Oscar nods (by my count). Plus, this movie gets the coveted "REDEMPTION BONUS:" Rocky V was so bad that Stallone himself said he would give it a "zero out of ten," but he was able to turn it around and make one of the few good sequels out there.

An Actor's Actor: Eli Wallach

Talk about a guy who could disappear into a role, and you have to talk about Eli Wallach. Look at this guy's resume (it's as long as both your arms) and there's a good chance you'll recognize less than 10% of what's on it. But somewhere along the line, someone in Hollywood (er, "Italy?") got the idea to go look for Mexican banditos on Broadway.

That's how (in my understanding) Eli Wallach ended up as the heart of The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. A far cry from pigeon-holed Western-genre actors, Wallach would breeze through a genre and define it, then move on to something completely different.

One thing that Wallach does well is allow you to stomach a third, long movie starring Clint Eastwood as "The Man with No Name... who Speaks Twice Per Hour." Eastwood is great in his own right at this character, and was one of the most significant bad-good-guys. But this much of him is like ... like ... Hmm. It's too much. The only analogies coming to me right now have to do with alcohol and pancakes, so we'll leave that thought for the time being.

Did you see Eastwood and Van Cleef playing off each other in For a Few Dollars More? That was rough. They're so alike it was like watching two Chewbacca's with no Han Solo's.

Let's not forget: We're not talking about the Governator playing a ripped barbarian or a robot here. We're talking about a guy creating a character far from his own place and time, making it instantly believable.

Wallach is the heart of G,B&U because he plays the parts of villain, jester, victim, and hero. Lee Van Cleef ('the Bad') observed that Wallach's Tuco is the only character the audience really gets to know in the whole movie: 'The Good' and 'The Bad' are such 'iconic' representations that they're almost statues in some ways. Wallach navigates this 3-hour monster with amazing ease, and he makes it bearable for the audience to play along. He does more a lot more positive things than make the movie livable, but I don't want to bury you in a play-by-play of the film.

Here's to Eli Wallach: Who played the only character in 8 hours of Leone that I was able to sympathize with, hate, and laugh at... and an actor with so much range, he defined a role and then vanished into a hundred (or three hundred) other roles.

An Actor's Actor! And a guy I would definitely drive or fly a long way to sit down with over a pint.

Close, but I'll keep the cigar...

Who is... Mandy Patinkin? Sorry, but good guess. By the numbers:

1. Alive today-Very!
2. A retired WWII veteran-Ooh, this was the killer. Not unless he was sent back by Skynet: Patinkin was born in 1952.
3. A Jewish-Italian-American-I can't find anything indicating Italianicity.
4. A Tony Award winner-Yes!
5. A Broadway star-Yes!
6. My favorite on-screen Mexican bandit of all time-This is the closest I could find: Patinkin co-starred in The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland as Huxley: the evil man who tries to steal Elmo's blanket.
7. Also referred to by Liam Neeson as "the great elder statesman of acting"-Nope. Without further ado, the actor I AM referring to is...

Sneak Peek Trivia

Points if you can identify the first actor to be highlighted on this blog without abusing Wikipedia. He is:

1. Alive today
2. A retired WWII veteran
3. A Jewish-Italian-American
4. A Tony Award winner
5. A Broadway star, and
6. My favorite on-screen Mexican bandit of all time
7. Also referred to by Liam Neeson as "the great elder statesman of acting"

Points are extremely valuable but I have not yet determined how so. No Google-ing! If you don't know and must research, go to your local library while you still have one. Unless you live in my town. Then there are reasons to stay away from the library. No further comment.